Lord, How Is It Done?

Whenever I read or learn about Christ’s atonement, I marvel and tend to I ask the same question Enos asked, “Lord, how is it done?” I often feel as though I have to invent new ways of understanding the atonement every time I come across it just to be able to access it. In Luke’s account, the atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane is described saying, “Saying, Father, I thou be willing remove this cup from me: Nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done…And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground” (Luke 22: 42-44). It is on these two verses that I wish to use to describe my own understanding of the atonement.

The Atonement brings us closer to God because it allows us to progress. It allows us to overcome the natural things that get in our way of learning and being perfect in this fallen world. This is something that I have been thinking about lately as I have considered how sometimes I do not want this wonderful gift. I have to leave, I have to grow up, and I do not want to. I wish I wanted it; I wish I knew how to access his great atonement that would simply and perfectly heal up my wounds and hush up my fears. I want to live with my parents, I do not want to get married, I do not want to finish my degree. I don’t want things to change. I want to go back to Galilee and sit on the shore watching the sunset and think about Christ forever. And yet, His atonement is there for me, waiting for me. Waiting to help me become better, waiting to comfort me and to uphold me with his righteous, omnipotent hand, even though I do not want it.

One principle that I have learned in my time in Jerusalem is that Christ had to choose to suffer for my sins, and that choice did not come easily or naturally. It was hard for him. When the time came for him to willingly suffer, he asked the Father if it was really necessary and then in the same breath made himself an active and willing sacrifice. As I read, I am overcome with the feeling that Christ would suffer and atone even if it was just for me. Even if he knew how much I did not deserve it and how much sometimes I don’t even want it.

I do hope that one day my testimony and my faith will encourage me to allow the Atonement into my life and not let my own fears stain it. In Elder Bruce R. McConkie’s, The Purifying Power of Gethsemane, he suggests that what we must do to access the atonement is to simply continue working to understand it. We must read, ponder, and pray so that the Spirit may testify to us of its everlasting truthfulness and power. This work is hard. To stand in the light is just as difficult as cowering in the darkness. It is fighting and it is every day. I have gained a greater testimony of work in Jerusalem. It is not enough to simply believe in Christ’s name. To have a testimony of Christ means something, it influences me. It is not simply a convenient way of thinking but a conscious way of doing and an eternal way of being. But sometimes I worry, because I do not have a perfect testimony of the atonement. The greatest act in human history that forever changes the way I live and I do not understand it. As I was contemplating my frustration I remembered Paul in his letter to the Philippians where he says, “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14)

I have not fully been grasped. I have not been perfected and the process still hurts but I’m going to do my best to run with patience. To work every day even when I do not want to, to be better. To be grasped. May I one day have the courage to choose Christ over my selfish fears.

The First Two Commandments

Christmas rolled around Ellensburg Washington at the same time of year that it did for everyone else. It was bitter cold; the temperature rarely went into the double digits. I was a brand new missionary, enjoying the festive season and the kindness that was being poured upon me by members in the ward. I wasn’t homesick but I knew that my mother missed me dearly. I decided to take great care to make my phone call home meaningful and comforting.

Each Christmas eve, my family would gather around candles and read aloud the Christmas story. Our tiny living room in Manhattan would become a grotto as candlelight danced across the window onto the busy street. Dad’s mood would determine how many verses were to be recited. Not wanting to miss this tradition, I requested and received permission from my Mission President to call home on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be a nice gesture to my mother.

I lit a small candle on my desk, stationed in the corner of a cold basement in a rickety old farmhouse and read along over the phone. Dad decided that this year, we would read Luke 2 in its entirety. I took my turn to read aloud verse 49. Though written two thousand years ago, the words became mine. “Wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?” Time seemed to stand still. My mother was comforted and knew that I was doing a great work. Like Jesus, she knew I had to leave everything behind, including family and friends to serve a higher purpose. My gratitude to the Lord was immense for he had comforted my Mother and taught me a valuable lesson.

Reflecting on the story, Christ’s desertion to the temple seems counterintuitive. It would not have been any trouble to inform Joseph and Mary of his decision to study in the temple. How could he worry his parents so desperately? I do not have a perfect answer to this question but I can take a stab at it. Mont Poulsen provided a powerful insight in the July 2011 Ensign. Brother Poulsen points out that many of the good things, like children and marriage, when done in the wrong order is a “disaster.” “Satan deceives us by convincing us to do the right thing in the wrong order.” The Savior taught on many occasions that the greatest commandments, and thus the ones Satan is most interested in, is to love God and our neighbors (Luke 10:27). The consequences of incorrectly prioritizing these two commandments are dire.

            It is easy to justify our sins by prioritizing people over God. I cannot number the dumb things done by missionaries in my mission in the name of companion, district or zone unity. It is vital that we consider the feelings of others and the impact our decisions will make, but we must first consider what God thinks of our decisions, then how it will affect other people. Elder Holland in October 2012 General Conference taught, “the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty.”  

            The Savior wants us to be loyal to and love all men equally. The importance of this principle is evident in its status as the second greatest commandment in the universe. Yet we often make it the greatest commandment when our loyalty to our brothers and sisters supersedes our loyalty to God. Christ’s love of his Father drew him to the temple as he left behind his friends and family and I can attest to the blessings of loving God more than man. As I read the scriptures with, but far from, my family those years ago in a hick town in the middle of nowhere, I could feel the encircling arms of a God who was blessing us for loving him more than each other.